Boundaries - Page 2

Boundaries are usually set by the parents, and are as close to absolutes as rules can be. Because boundaries are so rigid, they should be limited to clear necessities. Boundaries may be subject to change as conditions change, but are amended less frequently than Agreements and are not usually subject to negotiation. Boundary examples might be the following:

• No violence in the home
• No drugs in the home
• Never drive if you have used drugs or drunk alcohol
• Never get into a car with a driver who has been drinking or using or is emotionally upset
  
• No family member may enter another's bedroom without first knocking (depending on the family's value of privacy, this might be an agreement or a boundary)
• Parents will never search their teen's room, unless they suspect that his behavior puts him or others at risk of serious harm
• No family member will ever push, shove, or hit another in anger

Boundaries that teens are expected to follow usually require that parents be willing to follow the same rules. If you require no alcohol use by your teen, but drink yourself, expect that the boundary will be more difficult to enforce (as the parent and an adult, you have the right to say "no alcohol until you reach 18," or the "legal drinking age," or whatever your boundary is, but you must accept that your children are more likely to do what you do than what you say). If you say, "no drugs," then take sleep medication to fall asleep, you can expect your teen to see this as an excuse from his or her point of view to take mind-altering drugs. Do you curse at other family members when you're angry? Do you drink and drive? If that is the behavior you're modeling, it is highly probable that your teen will imitate it.

When setting boundaries, it is best for both parents, whether living under the same roof or not, to seek common ground, and present a consistent message to the teen. Where parental consensus can't be reached, it is best that the difference of opinion be acknowledged, and to let the teen know when and how he or she is to follow what rules. Teens can be quick to play both ends against the middle if they perceive there is an opportunity. Open communication is the best way to prevent teens from using parents to get what they want, but do not necessarily need. If one or both parents do feel manipulated, it's time to practice I messages and tell the teen what you are feeling.

Parents Decide Boundaries
Many parents today believe that children should have equal say in decisions that affect them. Equality is not effective parenting. You, as parent(s), have the final say on what the boundaries are in your home. Your teen, no matter how much he protests your boundaries, will not feel safe unless he knows you are both loving AND willing to exercise your role as head of the family, even when he does not like the result. Strong families are not dictatorships, but neither are they democracies.

DECISION-MAKING HIERARCHY
When discussing agreements and/or boundaries with your teen, let him or her know what is negotiable and what is not. There are some areas where you may change your mind after hearing your teen's opinion, and there are other rules that you hold very dear and are not open to negotiation. Think things through and get clear about your values, then talk straight with your teen. A decision-making hierarchy might look like the following:

1. You discuss the issue and let the teen make his or her decision and enjoy or suffer the consequences.
   
   Example: Your 110-pound son wants to try out for the high school football team. You are less than ecstatic about the idea, but after listening to his reasons, you give your blessing and wish him the best (and pray a lot!).
   
   
2. You will discuss the issue with your teen, hearing all sides, and negotiate a decision that feels as good as possible to everyone involved.
   
   Example: Your 15-year-old daughter wants to stay at a party until 1AM. You are clear that that is too late for her to stay out, and want her to be home by 11, her usual curfew. After listening to your daughter, you agree that it's a special party. Because you know and trust the parents of the girl giving the party, you agree to a time in between what you want and what your daughter wants.
   
   
3. You agree to listen to everything your 16-year-old son has to say about his announced request, but tell him in advance that you will make the final decision.
   
   Example: You listen to your son's many reasons why he should be allowed to drive with a group of boys to the coast, which is almost 100 miles from your home, for the day. You tell him that you and your spouse will discuss it later (or, if you are a single parent, that you will think about it) and give him your decision the next day. The following morning you (or you and your spouse) tell your son that he cannot go, because driving with several boys in the car is too dangerous and you are not comfortable with the idea. Even when your teen gets angry, tries to convince you to change your mind, say he hates you and throws a temper tantrum, you do not waver. You said your decision is final and that's that. A responsible parent will not give up his or her responsibilities in order to placate an angry or disappointed teen.
   
   
4. An absolute boundary about which you let your son or daughter know there will be no discussion and the consequence will be enforced without the possibility of change.
   
   Example: You let your son or daughter know, without any discussion, that if he or she ever drinks or uses and drives, or gets into a car with a driver who has been drinking or using, that he or she will have his or her right to drive revoked for 6 months. No discussion. No excuses. You make no apologies for setting this boundary, because you feel it is your responsibility as a parent to insure the safety of your teen to the extent that it is possible.

The point is, be clear about your process. Teens can live with your decisions, whether they like the decisions or not, if you are clear and consistent. Of course, the younger the children are when you begin the boundary setting process, the easier it is to implement your decisions because it has become the family norm. However, even if you start late, you can weather a few storms and change the family dynamics to what you believe is healthy for everyone.