Introduction
Parents and teens can regain trust and re-experience loving feelings by changing existing patterns of negative communication. Communicating with a teen is different than communicating with a child, and parents are often not adept at making the switch. But with practice, teens and parents can learn to express themselves from the heart and stop hurtful, negative transactions.
Chances are no one taught you how to communicate during times of conflict. We are just expected to somehow figure it out, and most of us end up dealing with struggle, or not dealing with it, much like our own parents did. But it is possible to learn communication skills that will help. The proven methods of communication presented here will help you and your teen (or spouse, for that matter) begin to talk to each other in new and healthy ways. It’s best if the whole family takes the challenge to improve communication, but even if you have to do it alone, your changes will change the family’s relationships. It’s as if each member of your family has taken a particular shape, like pieces in a puzzle, and all the pieces have come to fit together in a particular pattern. If one piece of the puzzle changes, the other pieces are forced to shift as well. Change is never comfortable, and if you are going it alone, it will be even more difficult. But change is possible, even if some members of the family are kicking and screaming during the whole process. If you stick with it, it will prove to be well worth the effort.
In actuality, family communication difficulties usually begin much earlier than the teen years, but the problem is subtler and the young children more compliant. In each family, certain rules of communication are developed, usually without conscious awareness. Unless we become aware of what the rules are, there is little likelihood that they will ever change, and we may stay stuck in the same patterns for a lifetime without understanding why things aren’t working.
Common rules that exist in families that have not learned to communicate safely are, “don’t feel”, “don’t trust”, or “don’t talk”. “Don’t feel” and “don’t trust” may be blanket injunctions, while “don’t talk” is often limited to certain topics. For example, it may be okay, even desirable and fun, for a father and son to talk about sports or academics, but a clear rule, spoken or unspoken, may exist that the subject of sex is never be brought up.
Often verbal messages conflict with family behavior. For example, parents may say that women are to be respected, even revered, while the husband makes all the important family decisions without consulting his wife. Or, parents may tell their teen to stay away from drugs and alcohol, while drinking alcohol regularly themselves, and never openly discussing this apparent contradiction. A spouse’s infidelity may be known to every member of the family, but never mentioned. Many families have secrets that no one dares to discuss, usually for fear that the family cannot stand the strain and will break. Family secrets prevent intimacy and happiness. Children often act out the emotions connected with the secrets, and may be punished or applauded for their behavior. Such family dynamics are often unconscious, and may be denied when brought to the attention of the family.
It would be useful to stop here for a few minutes, and consider what the rules of communication were in your family of origin. Ask yourself, or even better, talk with your siblings about questions such as:
- What was okay to talk about?
- What was obvious, but never discussed?
- What were even deeper secrets, secrets that were considered so dangerous that the family didn’t even let them into awareness?
- What were your family’s secrets about religion?
- What religious, ethical, or moral rules were ostensibly accepted, but not lived by?
- Was sex talked openly about? If not, why was it taboo?
- What were feelings about other racial groups? Other economic groups? What were the prejudices?
Taking an honest inventory of communication rules in our families of origin can be an enlightening experience. It can be the beginning of bringing to awareness why we think and behave the way we do, and awareness is the precursor to changing patterns that don’t serve us or others in our family. I’ve never met a person who doesn’t want to feel love, intimacy, and honesty in family communication. The only question is, how can it be accomplished, and is the potential value worth the emotional risk?
The four topics addressed below are a good place to start. Each topic is basic to good family communication, and can be learned with a little effort and resolve. Both success and failure will be experienced if you choose to implement these ideas in your family, but if you stick with it, change is possible.
The first of the four topics is “Active Listening”, a key component of all successful communications about complex topics. After all, if we’re not really listening to what the other is saying, how can communication even begin? The second topic, “I Messages”, presents a means of getting out of our intellects and learning how to communicate what’s in our hearts. The third topic deals with Family Agreements And Boundaries, the forming and keeping of family contracts. The fourth and final topic is “Family Circle”, the aim of which is to create and maintain open, honest, and safe communications within the family
