Part 1: Active Listening
The sane prefer listening to speaking; indeed they regard
most speaking as a defense against listening.
from Going Sane, by Adam Phillips
One method to help you listen and fully understand what your teen, or anyone else for that matter, is saying is “active listening." Active listening can be a key ingredient to improving communication. The process includes the following components:
The speaker makes a statement about something that he or she wants the listener to understand
The listener then repeats the important points of what he or she heard the speaker say
- The speaker then gives the listener feedback as to whether or not the listener heard and understood her correctly. If the listener did not understand what the speaker said, the speaker makes the statement again, perhaps with a bit more clarification. The listener then once again reflects back to the speaker what was heard. This back and forth process continues until the speaker acknowledges that the listener heard correctly what was said
To listen successful to what someone says, the listener must acknowledge that only the speaker knows the true message she wants to convey, and if the listener gets it wrong, the speaker must be relied on to tell the listener what is real for her and what is not. The listener may think that he or she knows more than the speaker about what she has said, but all the listener can really know is what was heard through the listener's own filter, which may or may not be what the speaker intended
The listener's job is to hear what was said without making any judgment or interpretation of the content – easier said than done, but critical to good communication
Just trying to be an active listener will change the way you communicate with your teen, even if you aren’t successful some of the time. You may find that:
- You are actively planning a rebuttal, rather than listening
- You are preoccupied with other thoughts, and not really listening at all
- You have decided before your teen is even finished expressing his or her idea that you disagree
- You feel an overwhelming need to be right and to prove your teen wrong
- Your emotional state is out of proportion to the actual situation and conversation. For example, you may find that something your teen says raises fear in you, and your fear prevents you from really listening and helping your teen
to think through his or her idea
- You are surprised that you are having such a strong reaction to comments that you know are in themselves not very important
Through the exercise of active listening you will learn a lot about your own emotions, and probably remember what conversations, or the attempt at conversations, were like in your family of origin. It may have never occurred to you that you can disagree without trying to change the opinion of the speaker. What a relief it can be to simply agree to disagree, and come away from the disagreement feeling okay about yourself and your son or daughter.
ACTIVITY
Pick another person who agrees to practice active listening with you. You may want to try it with someone other than your teen first. Find the right time and a comfortable place to talk. Choose a topic that you disagree on. Have your partner state her belief about the subject. Maintain eye contact while she is talking, and notice how it helps you not spin off into your own thoughts. When she is finished speaking and you have verified that she is finished, you next paraphrase what you heard her say in order to determine if you really understood the intended meaning. You may start with something like, “It sounds to me like you were saying …,” or “What I heard you say was ….” Don’t make any judgments or even interpretations. Just express your understanding of what was said. If you don’t get it right the first time, start over. When finished, without trying to prove her wrong, or even commenting on her statement, you get to state your opinion about the same topic while your partner practices listening.
This exercise is very stylized, of course, but is a good practice to learn how to listen in a new way, not to mention how to increase real communication and avoid useless arguing. Even when you learn to use active listening as a communication style, you would not want to do so in every conversation. In order to decide when and when not to use active listening, ask yourself the following questions:
Is the conversation complex enough to warrant an active listening style?
Do you and your partner have both the time and the concern about the topic to warrant active listening?
Is the topic one that you are capable of withholding judgment about? If not, postpone the topic until you have achieved success discussing other subjects that you feel less emotional about.
While reading about active listening, it may have occurred to you that this process is often used when asking for directions. The inquirer asks how to get to a particular destination, then listens intently to what the speaker has to say. The inquirer then repeats what was heard in order to insure accuracy. The speaker then confirms the directions, or makes corrections. This is the process of active listening: listening without commentary or interpretation, then confirming what was heard.
A good practice is to watch others in conversation. Do they use a form of active listening? Watch a few minutes of a TV talk show known for arguing and fighting, paying attention to how people do not listen to each other, or how they modify what they’ve heard in order to make it fit their perspective. Then compare the more sophisticated conversation of two individuals who agree to disagree (which can be seen on such news broadcasts as the The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, broadcast on PBS), but both of whom can state clearly their points of view. Observe how such individuals listen to each other. Observe the civility of the disagreement. Notice when neither speaker feels compelled to win the other over to his point of view, and maintains his own ideas without being disrespectful of the other person. Notice how one speaker lets the other know that he heard what was said. By paying close attention to individuals who can respectfully converse about subjects on which they hold differences of opinion, you can create a vision of how you would like to be in conversation with family members and others you love.
