Part 2: "I" Messages
It is truly remarkable how using the simple formula of "I" Messages will help you communicate your feelings in a way that can be heard by others. Take, for example, a typical conversation between a father and his son about what the father experiences as his son not completing a task, such as mowing the lawn, to the standard of the father. Often what happens is something like this:
You missed spots in the front and the back again! I just don’t get it when you’re so (lazy/sloppy/stupid, …) that you can’t even do something as simple as cut the grass! How are you ever going to get a good job and keep it if you do your work half-way! You’ll get fired, that’s what’ll happen! I’ve told you a hundred times, ‘if a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing right’.
The father, whose good intentions are to teach his son to do a good job at what he undertakes, is not going to get very far with his teenager using this approach. I messages will give him a better chance of saying what is important and having his son hear it.
The components of an I Message contain at least the first two steps of the following three step definition:
When you … (describe the behavior in a non judgmental way, and as unemotionally as possible).
I feel … (describe your feelings, such as sad, concerned, afraid, etc., staying away from “angry” as much as possible because
The final component, when deemed necessary, of an effective I Message is closing with a boundary that you set for yourself related to the subject behavior, or offering help, or perhaps asking what the other needs.
Using these ideas for effective communication, the father in the example above might say something like the following:
I know you don’t particularly enjoy cutting the grass, but when you leave portions of it uncut, I worry that you’ll have trouble in future jobs because you don’t know how to finish your work. Do you want me to show you the spots you missed?
Let’s break this straightforward statement down to better understand what was said, adding comments as if you had made the statement to your son.
I know you don’t particularly enjoy cutting the grass (you’ve acknowledged that your son is entitled to his feelings about the assigned chore), but when you leave portions of it uncut (you’ve objectively described what is wrong with the job from your point of view), I worry that you will have trouble in future jobs because you don’t know how to finish your work (you’ve described your feeling of concern (worry) for his future – you may get deeper into your feelings too, and, if it’s true, express something like, ‘I feel like a failure as a father because I haven’t taught you something so basic as how to do a thorough job’). Do you want me to show you the spots you missed (you’ve offered help, if it’s needed).
After you’ve made your statement, STOP! DON’T ELABORATE. DON’T EXPLAIN. DON’T REPEAT. As Kaaren Borsting of SageParenting reminds us, teens don’t want to hear more than about 3 sentences, particularly about something controversial, and if you go beyond that you’ll lose their attention. Having made your statement and expressed your concerns, your teen may surprise you by grumbling a bit and going back out to finish the job to your standard. You may also need to give him some time to respond, without your saying more. He may need to “save face” by ignoring you for a while, then completing the job. Give it time. You can always say more later, but if you say too much, you’re more likely to end up in an argument and less likely to get the response you’re hoping for. If he does complete the job, simply say “Thanks. I appreciate your doing a thorough job.” Again, don’t elaborate. Let it be.
If you’ve had this conversation before, expressing your heartfelt concern, or you’ve said something like the above, but your teen hasn’t responded, you may need to give him a brief description of your boundary or limit regarding the particular behavior. For example
“This is the boundary I have to set for myself around this chore. Beginning now, when you don’t cut the grass like I’ve asked you to (this assumes you’ve previously described for him how you want the grass to be cut), “I’m only going to pay you for 75% of the job” (or, “You can’t use the car next Friday night,” or whatever your decision is).
End of conversation. Don’t say another word. Even if your teen wants to start an argument, or mumbles an expletive under his breath, don’t let him draw you into an argument. You’ve stated your truth with clarity, respect, and feeling, and the next move is up to him. Unless there is a great deal of animosity already built up between you and your son, you will probably be surprised that he will finish the job, if not immediately, sometime very soon.
Three words of caution:
Impose reasonable consequences. You’re trying to make a point, not incarcerate your son for life. Make the punishment fit the crime, which requires that you “render your decision” when you are not angry. Remember, as Kaaren Borsting says, “The only thing worse than one teen out of control is two teens out of control!”
Don’t impose a penalty that you are unwilling to enforce exactly as you described it. Believe it or not, because teens often feel a bit out of control, your son most likely wants your external limitations to be clear and something he can count on, a fact that is hard to believe when he has a temper tantrum and declares that you’re just trying to control his life!
- Once you've stated the penalty, unless you did it in anger and it's grossly unfair, don't change it. You teen will actually disrespect you if you go back on your word, and will not trust you next time to mean what you say and say what you mean.
Parenthetically, it is also helpful to remember that the fact that your son does not want to do a thorough job of a home chore does not translate directly into his not doing a great job for an employer. There is some natural rebellion of a teen toward his parent(s), a necessary part of the separation process, that is probably being acted out when he or she does not do a task exactly to your liking. His behavior may not be as meaningful concerning the future as you might imagine.
Two more examples of I Messages:
When you don’t do your homework (a subject you should probably not even bring up if your teen’s grades are 'good enough' – whatever that may mean in your family), I’m afraid you’ll get behind. It may be ridiculous (admitting that your worry may be over the top), but I even get scared that you’ll fail the class and have to take it over again (or not get into the college you say you want, or whatever your real concern is). Are you concerned too? And, if you are, how can I help?
As noted in the first example, stop here. You’ve stated the behavior you’ve noticed and your concern for your teen. That’s enough. Let her speak next. And know that even if she tells you there’s nothing to worry about, because you’ve stated your true feelings in a respectful manner, she is very likely to take your concern to heart and think about it. Give her time! Several hours or a day later, you may want to ask if she has thought about your offer of help and ask if there is something she would like from you. Remember, it’s not your job to do the homework. You are trying to help your teen learn to self-motivate, which is the only way your job of monitoring can ever come to a close (you do want it to end, don’t you?).
Notice that in both of the examples above, the parent is saying what is true for him or her, while at the same time showing respect for the teen. It is difficult but vital that parents realize that their teens are growing up, and should no longer be treated as children. If you can think of how you would express your concern to a roommate, that will help you speak to your teen in a respectful manner, even while you are expressing your boundaries and expectations.
One more example of I Messages, but concerning a much more difficult subject: drug use. Remember, the goal is to describe the behavior, to tell your teen your feelings, and to set up your boundary if you feel the need to do that.
When you go to the ____ (park, 7-11, …), I become really afraid that you might use drugs. I know you’ve told me that you don’t use drugs, and that I’m silly to worry, but it’s really important to me that you not get involved in drugs. I know that you believe you could never be hurt by drugs (or whatever is true and has been discussed previously), and I respect your belief. But my number one job as a parent is to make sure you are safe, and even if I make a mistake by being too cautious, I’m going to do my job (believe it or not, your teen will very likely respect you for the statement that you are going to do your job, whether he or she likes it or not – your teen needs your strength, as well as your love). I will take you to ___ when you need to go (if that’s true), but as of now I’m not allowing any more trips to ____ after school.
In situations like this, unless your teen wants very badly to please you, don’t expect agreement with your terms (even if inside she is very glad you’ve removed some pressure she is feeling to do drugs or hang out with drug using friends). In a situation like this, you’re looking for compliance, not agreement. It might come as a surprise to you to learn that the most effective parents are not democratic. Effective parenting is respectful, and effective parents explain why they do what they do, but they are not democratic (except in matters that are of less importance than grades, drug use, sex, driving, and the like). Effective parents know that they will have to accept occasional anger from their teen, and they do not let that fact deter them from doing what is in the best interest of their teen.
Learning to express one’s feelings in a manner that can be heard by the other requires lots of practice, patience with one’s mistakes, and persistence. But you can do it. And I promise, it will change the dynamics of family conversations.
