Parent-Teen Communication: Family Circle

Family circle is the most powerful tool I have seen families in treatment and my own family use. When used regularly, it allows children to solve their own conflicts, to express emotions and concerns, and to observe their parents express conflicts, emotions, appreciation and concerns. It provides a safe place for honest communication to begin.
From Bringing Love Home, by Larry Wells

One of the most difficult things in life is to change long held habits of behavior. In fact, part of being human seems to be that we wait until the pain of the current behavior becomes unbearable before we seriously consider change. The purpose of Family Circle is to provide a mechanism for family change. If you implement Family Circle into your family, some members will undoubtedly protest, or cooperate once or twice, and then let it be known that it�s a useless exercise, not worth the time, and so on. But if you stick with it long enough, it can become the best family time of the week, which is not to say the easiest, and parents and children alike can learn new ways of expressing concerns and love.

In order to overcome natural inertia, you�ll have to set aside a regular time for Family Circle to be held. Explain that this will be a time for family members to share both positive and negative feelings, to resolve issues, to learn and develop group communication skills, and to discover how family members perceive each other�s behavior. In Family Circle, you will have the opportunity to use the skills of Active Listening and to state your true feelings through I Messages.

FAMILY CIRCLE GUIDELINES
(You may want to simply read the following guidelines as the agenda for the first meeting, which will set the ground rules for discussing issues at the next weekly meeting).

Agree to gently remind each other of the format when necessary. Using I Messages is a non-judgmental, non-attacking way of sharing how we allow someone�s behavior � appropriate or inappropriate � to affect us. We are sharing our perception with them. Remember it is not the event, but our perception of the event that we are describing. All communication should be as open and honest as humanly possible.
    4. Only talk about one event at a time. Avoid all-inclusive statements, such as �you always�, or, �you do it every time�. Eventually, because Family Circle will "clear the air," you will find that you are only speaking of events that happened during the previous week.
    5. Concentrate on feelings rather than ideas. Rather than �I think�, state, �I feel�. If it is new to your family to talk about feelings, you might want to draw up a chart with feeling words in clear view. As noted under "I" Messages, above, you may find it helpful to create a "Feelings Chart," listing such words as: Sad, Angry, Disappointed, Numb, Depressed, Bored, Lonely, Jealous, Spiteful, Envious, Repulsed, Shameful, Guilty, Hopeless, Helpless, Apathetic, Fearful, Anxious, Glad, Happy, Eaqger, Compassionate, Peaceful, Serene, Grateful, Confident, Alive, Excited, Joyful, ...
    6. Be specific. Avoid broad statements or vague words, like �I�m upset," or "frustrated," which could mean a variety of feelings. Describe the time and place. Give a specific example, or examples if necessary, of the behavior, appreciation, attitude, problem, or solution.
    7. Be aware of body language; it often speaks louder than words.
    8. Don�t be too helpful, or "co-dependent." If you have the desire to help someone in the family group, ask yourself, �Can she do it for herself?� Often a desire to help is a result of our own discomfort and our action taken is for our own benefit. When you help you may send the message that she is not capable or strong enough to do it herself. She may have more strength than you give her credit for.
    9. Take responsibility for your behavior. Instead of �I can�t," use �I don�t want to," or �I won�t." Instead of �I�ll try," use �I will." Instead of �mistake," describe the event as a �learning experience." Always look for your part in the problem.
    10. Change yourself. If you believe that someone is controlling the conversation, it is because you let him or her. How you react and behave during the Family Circle is how you react and behave in your home, at school, and at work. The Family Circle is a place to make changes you desire in your personality and behavior. You are the only one who has the power to change you, and, you cannot change anyone else � a difficult, but important lesson to learn.
    11. Whatever you are most afraid of sharing is of the most valuable thing to share for your own personal growth.
    12. Each person has the right to be heard, to express his perception and his feelings and to have those perceptions and feelings accepted and treated with respect. In addition to practicing active listening, a good rule is that no one speaks for the second time about a given topic until everyone has spoken at least once.
    13. Accept that whatever people express is their reality at that moment, and they are entitled to it.
    14. Share your experiences, faith, hope, and strength. Do not rescue or preach (If it feels to anyone in the group like a lecture, it probably is a lecture).
    15. There can be no violence or threat of violence in the circle. A good rule to add is that there be no swearing in the family circle. Learn to stay with and express deep feelings, which swearing invariably short-circuits.
    16. Do not leave the circle until it�s over, no matter how badly you may want to run. Many of us leave or isolate when things get emotionally difficult, but Family Circle is about staying with feelings and working through difficult topics.
    17. What is said in the circle stays in the circle. Circle cannot be safe unless this is followed to the letter. Never talk outside of the circle to anyone, including family members, about what was said in circle. If you have something to say about a subject from previous circle, hold it until the next circle, or call for a special Family Circle meeting.
    18. Only one person speaks at a time, and is not to be interrupted until finished. If a person habitually takes up too much of family circle time, another member, when it is her turn to speak, should make an I message statement about how she feels when the other person monopolizes family time.
    20. After Family Circle, everyone stands in a circle, joins hands or puts arms around each other, or whatever is most comfortable, and expresses a gratitude for the practice of Family Circle, or simply for the family.

Just because Family Circle doesn�t go well sometimes, it does not mean it�s time to quit. Open family communication is a difficult process to learn, and worth every ounce of effort that it requires. The goal should be to do it, not to do it perfectly.

FAMILY CIRCLE OUTLINE
If possible, start circle with something positive, as a prayer, or a song, or have each member say something they appreciate about each other family member. Be specific. If circle has been called to solve a conflict, starting positive may not be possible. Acknowledge what�s real.

Problem-solve any concerns the family may bring up. Use the rules above, always maintaining respect, love and concern for all family members.

Try to have fun family activities or outings after family circle. You may want to have a treat at the end of circle. Family members can rotate setting up the space for circle, organize the treats, and so on.

Remember that it is just as valid for a child or teen to have negative feelings toward a parent as it is for a parent to have negative feelings toward a child or teen. It should be safe for everyone in circle to express themselves freely and discuss any subject without being punished or ridiculed.

When someone is sharing concerns with you, just listen. If you feel the information fits, use it. If it doesn�t, throw it away. But listen to everyone who speaks, knowing it is their reality, and they have every right to their perception. Do not defend yourself. Use the information to grow.

All sharing is done with love and concern, not to get even. If you sincerely care about the family member, share a gift by "holding up a mirror" reflecting how you see his behavior, appropriate or inappropriate. He can choose whether to accept the gift or not.

In addition to the regularly scheduled Family Circle, circle can be called by anyone at any time (know that each individual may have their own important activities to take into consideration and that your timing may not be theirs, or your urgency theirs). Circle can be used to discuss any subject, express emotions, deal with conflicts, frustrations, perceptions of inappropriate behavior, or share appreciations. The practice helps establish love and respect in the home.

A lot of rules for Family Circle have been listed, and if they are followed they will help your family. But, what is first and foremost in every family is Not Rules, but Love, Concern, and Listening with the intent to understand.

Part 4: Family Circle