Part 3: Agreements and Boundaries
In the definition we will use, agreements may be debated and are subject to negotiation. Boundaries may be changed as conditions change, but are set more authoritatively. Explanations are given as to why the boundary exists, but with little or no room for negotiation. Each family has to decide on what constitutes a family agreement and a family boundary. Boundaries may be set between siblings, regarding privacy, for example, but are more often set by parents regarding the behavior of each other, or by parents regarding the behavior of the children and teens.
FAMILY AGREEMENTS
Parents and teens need to have agreements concerning behavior and responsibilities in the home. Teens should be involved, ideally through the Family Circle process (see Part 4: Family Circle), in creating agreements that affect them and the consequences imposed for breaking them. Agreements should strike a balance between the teen's ability to maintain acceptable control and responsibility over her life and what you as a parent can live with. Agreements should change as the teen grows in ability to take care of herself. Whenever possible (and it's usually possible), the consequences for breaking agreements should be spelled out in advance and written down to avoid future disputes.
It's reasonable to expect each member of a family to abide by the family agreements. It is recommended that you establish as many agreements as you need, but as few as possible. Be explicit. Each family's agreements will be unique, and concern subjects such as the following:
Curfews
Use of the family cars
Bedroom and home cleanliness standards
Chores
Homework related TV or computer use
What constitutes acceptable and unacceptable websites
Bathing
When agreements are broken, state the problem in appropriate I message statements and without anger. If the response you get from your teen is anger, it is a pretty good indication that a psychological game has been interrupted. The teen's anger in such a situation is an attempt to return to the status quo, to return to the way things were. Don't allow your teen to break agreements, then avoid consequences by his or her display of anger. Walk away from the anger, then come back when the teen has calmed down, and start over in a calm and clear voice.
Except for the more serious agreements, seek consequences that are humorous and/or short lived, rather than serious and dreaded.
DISCUSSING BROKEN AGREEMENTS
Unless urgency dictates otherwise, Family Circle, described below, is the best time for family members to share their feelings with those who don't follow agreements. I messages should be used to describe the behavior and how you feel about it (not how it makes you feel, but simply how you feel - your feelings are your responsibility, and someone else's behavior does not make you feel something, no matter how strongly you feel it). If the person being addressed, be it parent or teen, is in strong denial of her behavior, nothing you can say to her will affect change. Nevertheless, this process of stating how her behavior is seen, and how you feel about it, is the only method I know of that has the possibility of motivating internal change.
Parents need to use discretion in processing issues between them when children are present. Children, even teens, do not need to know everything about the family. For example, what happens or does not happen sexually between parents is no business of the children, and including them in such intimacies is inappropriate. On the other hand, family secrets such as not discussing the fact that one of the parents lost his or her job, or that aunt Mary suffers from a mental disorder and that is why she sometimes acts strangely, is unhealthy. If major issues, such as a parent's infidelity, need to be discussed, you may want to elicit the help of a therapist to determine how best to have the family discussion.
Whereas parents may have certain issues that are inappropriate to discuss with children or teens, few if any secrets about children or teens should be maintained. Children's problems are family problems, and the more open the communication about them, generally the better. A twelve-year-old should not learn at school that his sixteen-year-old sister is pregnant! Nor should the family hide the fact that another member of the family is struggling with a substance abuse or addiction problem. The more openness that exists, the more likelihood the problem is being dealt with in a helpful manner, and that debilitating shame can be avoided. The right to privacy, such as how a teenage daughter feels about her new boyfriend, is not to be confused with secrets, such as not discussing that a son in the family was caught at school smoking marijuana. Families should discuss what constitutes privacy, and is allowable, and what would constitute secrets, and is unhealthy.
GETTING BACK INTO AGREEMENT
Everyone is human, and agreements, even those made with the best of intentions, will be broken. Most of us would like things to be black or white, but that's not the way real life is. While we should expect each other to do his or her best not to break agreements, we have to know that breaking them from time to time is part of the process. Individuals should be made aware of broken agreements and given an opportunity to get back into agreement as quickly as possible. The family member in violation should be given the opportunity to develop a plan to get back into agreement. The "plan" should help the "offender" learn. A good way to insure learning is to ask yourself the following questions about the plan:
Will the person learn, in a positive way, not to repeat the egregious behavior?
Will the consequence help him or her remember?
Will the family benefit from the individual getting back into agreement? How?
Will the offended person feel okay when it's over?
Remembering that in most cases punishment of the offender is not the goal, adding humor to the task of getting back into agreement can be a very positive experience for the entire family. When possible, decide on consequences in Family Circle (see below) and before the offense occurs. Use humor when possible.
