Additional Communication Tips & Strategies
USE SKILLFUL COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES. In addition to using Active Listening skills and “I" Messages, (Read more on Active Listening. Read more on “I” Messages), consider the following:
- Choose a good time to talk - just because you're ready to talk, it doesn't mean it's the best time for your teen. Have patience. If it's truly urgent, insist on talking immediately. If it can wait, choose a time is right for both of you - but don't wait too long.
- Keep it brief. Seriously, that teen brain can only hold three or four sentences at best when it’s about their behavior!
- Take time-outs when either of you need it. Agree in advance that if either party gets too upset to carry on a rational conversation, that you will take a break, but also that agree to come back and have another try. Don't give your teen a method of getting out of important conversations just by calling a time-out. Time-outs postpone talks for a short period of time; they should not cancel the conversation.
All of these are important communication strategies. When your teen’s behavior is at its worst, this is the most important time to use those skills you generally reserve for your boss or in-laws during difficult discussions. Your modeling will eventually be reflected in your teen’s behavior as well.
USE HEALTHY ANGER MANAGEMENT SKILLS. There’s nothing harder than keeping your cool with a teen who is trying to switch the problem to you so he won’t have to look at his own behavior! But until you can remain in control of your behavior, no other tips matter. When you let your emotions get the best of you, you’ve got two out-of-control teens on your hands. Take a break just as soon as you recognize the signs of distress in yourself or your teen: a flushed face, reddening neck, tightened fists, a knot in the stomach, yelling, swearing, saying things you neither of you mean and will later regret. Whatever your signs are, use them to guide your behavior, teaching your teen to do the same.
BE AVAILABLE. Teens often blurt things out or want to talk at strange and inconvenient times. Be aware that your best connecting/bonding moments and most teachable opportunities will usually come when you least expect them. Be ready to listen anytime. If you have to ask your teen to wait while you deal with an emergency, or if you just don’t have the capacity at that moment to listen, tell him that and also let him know when you will be available. Keep your eyes and ears alert to openings when you can help your teen process what he or she is thinking about, including goals, dreams, and values.
USE QUESTIONS CAREFULLY. Resist the urge to know EVERYTHING your teen is thinking or planning. Show trust. Use, “Tell me more…,” or “Let me know…,” rather than, “Why did you…?” Also, when you ask, really listen to the response rather than planning a counterargument to use as soon as she finishes talking. Ask about her intentions (Ex: “What did you hope would happen when you…?”) and underscore her values (Ex: “You really care about your friends and want to be there for them, don’t you?”)
TRY NOT TO BE DEFENSIVE. When teens make generalizations or critical remarks about you, don’t take them personally. Use it as an opportunity for a discussion about values, beliefs, acceptance, and so on. The more objective you can be (“Well, I guess it may seem like I am over-reacting when we talk about your school work.”) the more likely it is that you can help your teen focus on the issue rather than trying to misdirect the conversation onto you as the topic. Taking your sails out of his wind makes it easier for you to navigate his storms.
GIVE STRAIGHT-FORWARD FEEDBACK ON IMPORTANT ISSUES such as sex, drinking and drugs. Your teen needs to hear you and usually does, even if he pretends indifference. Give facts; don’t try to engender fear. Scare tactics don’t work with teens; they just think you don’t know what you’re talking about and dismiss your concerns as groundless. Also, avoid giving advice even when a teens asks for it…that’s usually a trap! Often what he really wants is reassurance from you that he can handle the situation. Rather than advice, ask him what he might recommend to a friend, or encourage him to trust his inner self.
TALK ABOUT YOURSELF SOMETIMES INSTEAD OF THE TEEN. Teens hate to be the only topic under discussion. Use your experience as a teen to connect with her but don’t dominate the conversation or expect her to learn from your experiences. Kids learn from their own experiences. You can also talk about “other teens who…” or “You might have a friend who…” taking the focus off your teen and putting the conversation onto a safer third person.
CONTINUE TO OFFER PHYSICAL AFFECTION. Teens are still kids inside; they need the warm feelings of belonging that come from good touches and hugs. Even teens who have developed an allergy to their parents might enjoy a good foot or shoulder rub. Having safe touch with parents reduces the hunger they have to be touched, delaying their pursuit of sexual touch before they are emotionally ready. Offering safe, healthy touch is the key. If you or your teen, or others who observe you, have the slightest sense that the touch seems sexual, back off. This is not the time to confuse your teen with inappropriate touch!
GIVE POSITIVE FEEDBACK. Your teen needs to hear the "good stuff" just like the rest of us. She needs to know you love her for who she is inside, as well as having you notice what she does. Don’t be effusive with praise (“Oh, you’re so smart!”), because she can and will dismiss your compliment. Instead, point out what skills or qualities she used that will be helpful when she is an adult: “I noticed that you really thought about how to study for your exam and gave yourself plenty of time to review the information. That’s a great skill to have as an adult!” Most teens are anxious about their ability to be successful adults and appreciate hearing from you that the skills they have that will help them be successful on their own.
HELP YOUR TEEN LEARN TO PROCESS INFORMATION. When you communicate with your teen, help him learn to think for himself, rather than trying to get him to think as you do. You’re a consultant to a developing brain, so use your communication time together to teach him to think critically about what he sees or hears, as well as how to sort out and prioritize information. Help him reflect on, “What happened in that situation and how?” “ Now that it happened, so what?” (How is this significant? What have you learned from it?) And, “Now what?” (How will this shape your future choices?) It’s more important in the teen years that you teach kids how to think than what to think!
TAKE TIME TO RELAX AND HAVE FUN. Teens need to learn positive ways to manage stress and so do parents! Develop new ways that you can enjoy each other (yoga, sports, community theater, volunteering) in order to build a lifetime relationship that focuses on your fledgling equality as adults. When teens see their parents try something new and challenging, they begin to see them in a new light, not as that interfering boss, but more as an individual with interests and feelings similar to their own.
Kaaren Borsting
PCI Certified Parent Coach
www.SageParenting.com
(541) 261-3729
